Advancing through trauma- separation from past unpleasant experiences

Developing a healthy adult-child relationship by reconciling with the mother figure

What is trauma and how do we create new pathways of pleasure as we work through it?

Trauma is a term we apply in the event of experiencing immense amount of stress after tolerating unpleasant emotional experiences such as fear and anger. Trauma originally occurs in childhood experiences where the child does not receive sufficient care from the mother associated with a lack of sense of safety within the child’s environment. Trauma activates the nervous system responsible for alerting the brain of danger. This is called the sympathetic nervous system. When the SNS is activated for prolonged periods of time, it will develop neurologically related health issues such as autoimmune diseases, arthritis and more. The limbic system is the centre of the brain responsible for the activation of the sympathetic nervous system.

The emotions associated with the ‘limbic system’ response are shame, guilt, sadness, and fear which are best processed -through the cognitive centers (frontal lobes) of the brain- after addressing the conflicted values of the inner child due to feelings of fear, shame and guilt. To activate the prefrontal lobes of the brain, the parts responsible for differentiating between a real threat from an unreal threat to our sense of self-esteem, means to develop an awareness around grief and what it entails to process such feelings effectively.  In many cases feelings of grief are confused with feelings of worthlessness or feelings of ‘not good enough’, inhibiting us from recognizing our values and potential. As a result, we seek external affirmation rather than deriving that from a deep sense of value we attach to our identity. To process your grief effectively, you need to accept the loss and understand what it means to let go; and how letting go can help you gain a deep understanding to who you are and your true potential.

Reconciling with the mother figure is essential for building autonomy

As an infant you may have experienced trauma, centered on feelings of abandonment through your mother -who represents the care figure. Reconciling with the mother, as a “care” figure for her lack of ability to provide sufficient care, is essential in helping you restructure your attachment style and belief system, process your grief, and restore your sense of self-worth. Reconciliation in this sense may be understood in terms of “acceptance” of your loss which could help you reach your full potential and develop a sense of autonomy and control over the decisions and choices you make.

The three stages of self-reconciliation

Acceptance of a loss of a sense of security due to childhood trauma and the consequences that occurred as a result, requires taking steps towards change. Change for personal development and growth requires undergoing the following 3 stages, defining your identity, your potential, and the method that will help you explore both. Undergoing the following 3 steps allows the brain to shift from focusing on the traumatic experiences by making meaning of them and refocusing on present moments and current goals by connecting to the centers of the heart responsible for engaging effectively with trauma related issues. The next part of the course will help you define these. It will guide you through three phases: The focus phase; the process phase; and the activation phase. These three phases will guide you to focus the therapy work on processing feelings of sadness and grief by developing a compassionate mindset so you can recognize your potential and reconcile with yourself:

stage one: The “focus phase” entails understanding grief

When we lose our sense of identity, which is essential for our growth and development, during our early childhood experiences, we tend to place too much value on our sense of worth and we become too centred on ourselves, rather than on building connections with ourselves and others. As a result, it becomes more challenging to restore our sense of self-esteem (self-confidence) because of the intense feelings attached to what we value about ourselves. We express that by wanting to be heard or seen because we did not receive that attention by our carers. Consequently, we experience what we call sadness or grief.

In this sense, grief remains a combination of intense feelings around a sense of identity we have lost – until we give ourselves permission to process it effectively through therapy. One of the best intervention therapeutic techniques that can be used to process our grief effectively is called ‘self-compassion’.

stage two: The “process phase” entails developing self-compassion

Developing self-compassion means giving ourselves permission to re-experience our intense feelings of grief fully. When we have done the work, we will then be able to develop ‘empathic understanding’ towards those who have hurt us and the pain they have inflicted on us due to their lack of awareness -and probably resistance to change. As a result, we become better able to develop our identity further and focus on our goals to achieve them. It is crucial as well to give those in our care or company space to unload their anger if they are grieving and to refrain from offering quick solutions to fix their problems as problems do not originate from the structure of the relationships we are in, but rather from how we relate, respond and react to those in need for support and care.

stage three: The “activation phase” entails recognizing your potential

By shifting your emotions, through therapy, in a way to replace past unpleasant experiences with positive experiences, you can draw out the meanings and values that such memories and experiences contain and that have held you back from finding your true potential. The values that we derive from our past unpleasant experiences carry within the potential to define your identity in terms of who you are and fulfil your responsibilities towards your family and your community diligently. Finally, when you have reconciled yourself with what you value about yourself, you will have, indeed, reconciled yourself with yourself.

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